


a saint bernard sits at the top of the driveway.

by cinnamorose



Category: Uta no Prince-sama
Genre: Angst, Grief, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Suicide, i am in pain!, op out here taking a single verse from a song and using it for an entire story again, sorry if i hurt u lmao, ty to the two people that participated in my test to make this!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-14
Updated: 2020-09-14
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:15:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26464003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cinnamorose/pseuds/cinnamorose
Summary: Van comes home to a Saint Bernard and a note.
Relationships: Kurosaki Ranmaru/Kiryuin Van, Mikado Nagi & Kiryuin Van, Ootori Eiji & Kiryuin Van
Kudos: 3





	a saint bernard sits at the top of the driveway.

**Author's Note:**

> this is pain! i hope it hurts! not to be mean, but because its literally meant to be painful and suffering

_You always told me how you liked dogs._

Van stares at the paper in his hand, feeling the head of the Saint Bernard at his side get shoved into his palm, sniffing and licking. He’s been staring at the note over and over, reading it top to bottom once, twice, thrice. He’s been reading it ever since he picked it up and brought the dog inside. Standing in the doorway, shoes off, coat still on one arm, he’s frozen looking at the paper.

This isn’t how he wanted to come home. He didn’t want to come home to this. His throat felt tight, his vision blurred, and before he knew it, he was sitting to the wall, tears dripping down his face and onto his shirt. Fuck. _Fuck._ He can’t breathe. He can’t think. This is bullshit, it’s got to be, it _has_ to be. There’s no way he’d do that, no way.

The Saint Bernard snuffs over his shirt, whining as it paws at him, and that was the last straw. He _broke_ , just short of screaming as he curled in on himself, crying into his knees as the dog whines and presses to his side. The note slips from his loose fingers, drifting to his side. It’s crumpled from how he gripped it earlier. Scribbles, scratch-outs, so many write overs. Apologies, apologies, explanations, more apologies, love. 

~~_I don't know how to write this_ ~~

~~_I didn't want_ ~~

~~_I tho_ ~~

~~_Van, hey. I love you. But I j_ ~~

~~_Van, I love you. I hope this doesn't hurt too much_ ~~

~~_I don’t know what to say. I love you, I guess? I won’t be coming back, though. So_ ~~

~~_Sorry. I wasn't enough_ ~~

~~_I wasn_ ~~

~~_I’m sorry, but I_ ~~

~~_I love you, Van. Don’t come looking for me. This is probably gonna be bad enough for you to just read, I don’t want you seeing what hap_ ~~

_Hey. Love you. Take this as my final gift._

_You always told me how you liked dogs._

  * _Ranmaru K._



He was sobbing long after everyone got home.

* * *

Two weeks after the media covered the suicide of singer and member of the band QUARTET NIGHT Ranmaru Kurosaki. Van’s only really been out to get things to take care of his dog or go to work. He’s been getting up late, sleeping late, talking less, eating less, more and more tired. Days have been a blur to him, mixing together, the only thing keeping him grounded is that Saint Bernard.

The loud knocking on his door woke him with a start. Snorting and rubbing at his eyes, he quickly grabs a shirt and pulls it on to at least _pretend_ he's been awake longer than he has. Probably doesn't matter anyways.

“... Hello?” He wheezes, blinking tiredly at the man at his door. He hears barking behind him, and turns just enough to pat at Taro’s muzzle. “Shh, shh. Just Eiji, boy, don’t worry.”

Eiji seems to breathe a sigh of relief. “Good morning, Van. May I come in?” He asks. Van tenses a little, then his shoulders drop. Taro pushes between his knee and the door and sniffs excitedly in the air, a grin spreading across his face. Van nods, opening the door, and Eiji steps in, giving a couple of pats to the Saint Bernard’s head.

“I was worried. You slept in longer than you have been…” He says, moving in to sit down on his bed. Almost expecting—no, _definitely_ expecting his words, he holds up a hand, stopping Van’s next sentence. “No, no. I wasn't worried about… That,” he says. “I just wanted to make sure you woke up reasonably today.”

Van stares at Eiji, his mouth slowly closing. He didn’t… No, don’t finish that. He sighs, sliding down against the wall and barely fighting off Taro’s excitement to lick him. “… Thanks,” he whispers, tears coming to his eyes again. Even after everything, they still care about him. Him, who's about as hopeless as they come at the moment.

“Do you want me to stay a bit?” Eiji asks, moving from his place on the bed to sit next to him on the floor. “Today’s pretty free for everyone. We all agreed we needed breaks.” Van rests his head on his knees, feeling a snorfling muzzle make its way between his thighs and his stomach. Absently, he scratches underneath Taro’s collar, listening to the thump of his tail on the floor.

“… That’d be nice,” he admits. Maybe he won’t cry himself sick in the company of another. Eiji smiles, rubbing over his shoulder in a comforting manner, and Van closes his eyes again. He's… He’s so tired. So tired…

At some point, he dozed off.

* * *

  
“ _Hey._ ”

Van jumps, his head jerking up. Oh, did Eiji leave? Looking around, his room looked darker, even. A glance out the window confirms his suspicions; it’s turned night. A new moon…

“ _Hey. You’re crying on the floor again?_ ”

Van felt a pang hit his heart and he wiped at his eyes furiously. “N–No,” he stutters, sniffling. “It’s not that. I’m— I’m not.”

“ _You’re sad, y’know._ ” He cringed at the harsh tone of the voice, standing on shaking legs as he moved to the door. Twisting the handle, locked. Turning the lock this way and that to try it again, still locked no matter what. To the window, locked. All the while, belittled.

“ _You gotta get the hell back up. You wanna just be known as miserable?_ ”

“ _You're ruining HEAVENS like this. You and your stupid dog._ ”

“ _It wouldn't have mattered what you did._ ”

He winced as he gripped the bedsheets, one knee pressing the bed down. There’s… It just can’t be, can’t be true.

“ _He’d have done it no matter what you’d said._ ” He bites his lip hard and stifles a whimper, sliding into his bed. Cold, freezing cold. If only Taro stayed in his hellish dreams. Then again, he’d probably dream up… Don’t think of it. Don’t do it.

“ _You should too, if you really miss him that much. You’re pathetic, crying every day like this._ ”

Van yanks the blankets over his head, quiet sobs leaving his mouth. “St… op…”

The bed shakes and he yelps, balling his fists into his hair. “ _What’s the matter with you? Where’s the flirty Van? The playful Van?_ ”

“Stop, stop, please…” He chokes out, coughing and sniffling.

“ _Where is he, huh? Where? Van! Va_ n! Van, what’s wrong?”

Van jumped, sitting up and rubbing at his eyes. _Shit._ “E-Ei-”

A pair of small hands hold his face, wiping under his eyes just a little roughly. Oh, it’s not Eiji. He must've left earlier. No shock there. Instead, it’s Nagi, Taro’s head in his lap. “Are you okay?” He asks, staring him in the eyes. “You were _really_ crying. Is your head alright?”

As his senses come back, he feels the slightest pain of yanked hair in his scalp. “… Y-Yeah,” he mumbles, back to the wall. Nagi huffs, moving Taro before standing.

“Was… it another nightmare?” He asks, eyes on him. He tenses for a second, then goes limp, nodding silently. “… Kira told me about your last one. This one’s a little calmer, at least.” He crouches in front of him, elbows on his knees, head in his hands. “You haven’t eaten, right? Eiichi came in a little earlier to get Taro and feed him, so he's had his breakfast already.”

It’s still morning? “… No, I haven’t eaten. What time is it?” He asks, standing. Taro immediately gravitates to his side, his head migrating to fitting itself under his hand.

“10:37. Don’t worry, you didn’t miss too much of the morning,” Nagi says, standing back up and turning to step out of the room. “Let’s go see if everyone else left you food!”

Van wills himself to leave, Taro pretty much glued next to him as he walks. He can… He can get through this. He can get past the loss of Ranmaru.

Gently, he pats Taro on the head, listening to his happy snuffling. He’ll be alright. Wiping at his eyes, he knows he’ll be alright.

**Author's Note:**

> title from the song "Saint Bernard" by Lincoln
> 
> [20/10/20 edit: FUCK I DIDNT REALISE I LOST SOME OF THE EDITING IN IT IT WAS SUPPOSED 2 B STRUCK OUT DURING THE NOTE. o well i fixed it lmao]


End file.
